As a carnivore, my food philosophy revolves around one concept: the first component of any main dish, is an animal. Sadly, there are millions of unfortunate souls around the world who suffer from a rare and debilitating condition: voluntary, non-religious vegetarianism. This rare illness leads to many complications, and can ultimately progress to it’s more advanced, fatal variant. Yes. That word. The V word. The word no medical professional can bear to utter to their patients. Veganism.

Whilst there is no known cure, pharmaceutical companies are working tirelessly to produce one. For the time being however, we must stand by those afflicted by vegetarianism and veganism. Even if we don’t want to. We must humour them, and make them feel as though their dietary choices are an acceptable norm in society. It’s also important not to mistake them for livestock whilst they are grazing. Believe me, I’ve made that mistake. Whilst I can tell you that vegetarians are incredibly tasty, it’s probably not acceptable to eat them.

And so, after many requests from a number of my friends who suffer from vegetarianism and veganism, I have compiled a list of London’s most famous vegetarian eateries, with a short review for each. All of these venues serve fresh vegetarian food made from the freshest, finest organic ingredients, and are all halal, though they may not have official certification. Alcohol may be found at certain venues.

1: Hyde Park

Hyde Park, perhaps the most popular establishment for vegetarian dining. Lush, fresh green grass covers the entire restaurant floor. Open air ensures you always have a liberating atmosphere, whilst the serpentine lake ensures you’re always well hydrated. A word of warning however. Ducks. Ducks and swans. They too enjoy a nice vegetarian meal, and you may find yourself fighting them to the death by the time you reach dessert. But please, don’t harm them. Shoo them away politely, or better yet, share your starters with them. Nothing brings people together like food.

Booking website: https://www.royalparks.org.uk/parks/hyde-park

2: Regent’s Park

The fields of grass here are very rich and luscious indeed. However, another word of warning. London Zoo is very close by, and they’re very keen to put rare creatures on display, especially vegans. If you are a vegan, please, for your own safety, keep an eye out for zookeepers sneaking around with large nets – they may try to nab you whilst you dine.

Booking website: https://www.royalparks.org.uk/parks/the-regents-park

3: Primrose Hill:

Much like Duck and Waffle, Oxotower and other tower-based restaurants, Primrose Hill offers high altitude dining. The highest elevation of ground in London, you’re certain to get a fantastic view, though perhaps not quite as captivating as that from Heron Tower. The high altitude also ensures the grass here receives a very high exposure of sunlight for maximum photosynthesis. I’m sure the food is very particularly rich and flavoursome here as a result.

Booking website: https://www.royalparks.org.uk/parks/the-regents-park

4. Mudchute Farm

London’s biggest city farm provides a day of fun for families and friends alike, with a range of friendly creatures roaming their pens. Including many vegetarians. As well as the usual green delicacies, there are usually haystacks placed around the premises, which you are welcome to help yourself to. Be careful however. There are a number of Llamas residing at the farm, and they can get quite aggressive when their food is stolen. A bit like us really.

Booking website: http://www.mudchute.org/

5. Spitalfields City Farm

Looking for a purely vegetarian Indian restaurant? This is as close as it gets. Every autumn, Spitalfields farm host a chilli festival. Tears are shed, whimpers are heard, and toilets are engaged. If you’re bored of mild flavours and crave a good kick, visit Spitalfields Farm and try stealing leaves from a cow. Alternatively you can wait for the Chilli Festival.

Booking website: http://www.spitalfieldscityfarm.org/

6. Greenwich Park

Located on the southern bank of the river, home to the Royal Observatory, Cutty Sark, and the Old Royal Naval College, Greenwich Park provides a very picturesque dining experience. You can watch the sunset, and then, once it’s dark, nibble your way around the park before security throws you out. There are however, a number of very steep hills in Greenwich park, so please try not to to overexert your haemoglobin.

Booking website: https://www.royalparks.org.uk/parks/greenwich-park 

7. Homebase Garden

Looking for a quick snack? Homebase garden centres litter Britain, and though more costly than the free-entry restaurants listed above, Homebase can provide a variety of colourful and vibrant delicacies for the vegetarian or vegan patron. You can even purchase a new home whilst purchasing snacks. There are numerous cosy little bird nests and bedding available to keep you warm in the winter, and cool in the summer.

Booking Website: http://www.homebase.co.uk/en/homebaseuk/garden

And there we have it. London’s top vegetarian-only establishments. I hope you found this post useful, and wish you vegetarians and vegans a prosperous life, and a quick recovery from your condition.

I am of course, taking the mick. There are a lot of vegetarian and vegan restaurants (real ones) in London which have received very good press, and I shall review them when I can. I just have to wait for a day where I don’t feel like eating properly. For the time being, you can check out these restaurants for yourself in the Cuisine Campaign Map, (found in the Food menu).

That’s enough trolling from me for one day. I love* you vegetarians really.

*mildly tolerate.

Okay now I really will stop. Normal service shall resume.